Article written

  • on 26.09.2010
  • at 06:10 PM
  • by The Editor

Five Things I’ve Learned from Horror Movies 9

Sep26

Some people choose to learn stuffs in school. Some people choose to read a book. Some people choose to get educated through movies. Horror movies are filled with life lessons and guide to survival. Who knows, one day a serial killer will run loose on your neighborhood? (Scream) Someone died in your basement? (The Orphanage) Maybe you just found out that your home was build on an ancient burial ground? (Poltergeist) Well, the next time ghosts and zombies appeared on your doorstep, we hope you already mastered your Horror Movies 101.

These are Five Things guide in horror movie survival:

1. IF YOU’RE A WOMAN

Girls, if you want to survive a horror movie scenario, pay attention to what your mum and grandma always said to you:
Dress properly. Girls who are scantily clad, barely clothed, or got naked always got killed. Apparently, monsters, killers, ghosts, zombies, and the rest of the villains, hates slutty girls. They respect girls with attitudes, and spare them (to be killed later in the movie).
Be strong and independent. If you’re not intending to dress properly and decides to wear something sexy, make sure you got the perfect reason to do so. It could be: a. because you have something very important the villain wants, and b: you’re carrying a bad-ass weapon. We can all dress up like Alice or Jill Valentine, but we gotta kick ass like them too.
Don’t get promiscuous. If you have sex in a movie, you’ll be dead in the next scene. Why? Because the villain is jealous with you. You’re having so much fun and stealing his show with your steamy act. NOT. It might be a part of major propaganda about keeping your virginity, but come on, it’s a horror situation. Can’t you just keep it in your pants while the murderer is still around?
Don’t take unnecessary bath. This one’s for all the hygiene freak girls out there. Not exactly. Since Marion Crane got killed in the shower on 1960, we all think getting all cleaned up in a horror movie is a bad idea. Besides taking the risk of being brutally slain, women tends to end up dirty at the end of the movie. With all the sweat and mud and your friend’s blood, why bother?

As seen in: Psycho, Scream, Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

2. IF YOU’RE A MAN

If you’re a guy, you know you have to take control, its in your instinct. But guess what? Villains hate smartass. Zombies love them thou, maybe their brain tasted better? Our tip? Don’t go around jumping on the first gun store you see and declare yourself the next John Rambo. Military guys died often in a horror movie. It also happened to guys who acted totalitarian and forced the group of survivors to bend to his will. So, just be a regular Joe, make everyone like you, and contribute smartly to the group. Of course, it will be much better if you’re good looking.

Same as the guys with the gun, don’t show the villain that you’re a jock. Throw that jacket you’re so proud of and run for your life. And if you’re black or overweight, expect to die by the last third of the movie. Sorry, but horror movies seemed to only root for the slim Caucasian.

Last but not least, don’t try to be a hero. They usually became martyrs. See you in heaven, lads.

As seen in: 28 Days Later, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn Of The Dead.

3. MASTER YOUR GEOGRAPHY

There’s always a place horror villains called home. Read the patterns, and avoid these places if you can: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine (thanks for the tip, Stephen King!).

When your friends are planning a party in a creepy place, its always a good beginning for a horror situation. Don’t come in to the abandoned mansion on the edge of the town, avoid the scary lake houses, stay at home with your popcorn and horror movies DVD. Better watch them than star in one!

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If you are running away from a killer, never run into a secluded area like an empty house or a hospital. Avoid dark places at all times. Don’t run into the attic, basement, closet, barn, or long alleys. Always be careful where you’re going. The villain usually lurks in the dark.

As seen in: The Shining, Pet Sematary, Friday The 13th.

4. COLD HARD LOGIC

If your electricity suddenly stops working, don’t blame the power company just yet. It might be a sabotage. Suddenly, you heard strange noises from the basement. Being the clever guy that you are, you descend into the darkness (without flashlight!) … to be hacked by an axe-wielding serial killer.

People under stress, usually came up with smart ideas. These ideas often got them killed. When you encounter strange occurrences happening around you, don’t panic. Act wisely and you may live.

If you and your friends are running together from the villain, never listen to the idiot who said, “Lets split up.” The villain will get you sooner or later. Better teamed up and prepare for the worse than die alone.

If you know a murderer is inside your house, don’t go upstairs. It’s where people die. Beside, if you decided to climb up the roof to freedom, you still have to think about getting down. Its a long way down, mate…

After you successfully escape the villain, don’t run into your car. It will not start, trust me. Run to your neighbors, bang on their doors. Don’t say “killer with a chainsaw is chasing me!” It’s long, not catchy, and most probably will keep the neighbors from opening their doors. Just say “fire” or “earthquake” or “nude girls on parade!” Well, or something like that.

If it’s a long long mile from your home to the next one, run along. When you think it’s safe, climb up a large tree. Make sure you hide safely and well-covered. Villains rarely look up (Wrong Turn is an exception). If you’re discovered, I hope the tree is too big to be cut down. Or, if the villain tried to climb up, let them climb, and then climb down as fast as you can. Run again. Remember, try to not breaking your leg and stop stumbling on those branches!

Oh yeah, you’re not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Never say, “I’ll be right back!” You won’t.

As seen in: Identity, A Nightmare In Elm Street, The Mist

5. KILL OR BE KILLED

You can’t reason with a villain. Who begged to Freddy Krueger and lived to see sunshine the next day? None. In order to survive, you have to kill the villain. If you hurt him and he went to prison, he’ll come after you when he gets out. If you hurt him till he became paralyzed, someone might step in his shoe for revenge (or the fun of copying him). And the important thing, after you shot or stab or do something that you think will kill the villain, NEVER check if he’s still alive or not. Never stop shooting/stabbing/throwing grenades at him, until you’re completely sure that he’s not gonna wake up and try to kill you again.

Ah, don’t forget that villains tend to defy the law of physics. They are usually very crazy, very smart, very fast, and very strong. They could also defy the limit of time and space. One minute here. Next minute there. Scotty can’t be involved with this, can’t he? If they chose to reappear twenty years later, they will also be as young as they were. Hmm, I wonder what’s their recipe…

As seen in: Halloween, I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Aside from the Five Things that we have shared with you, the ultimate key to survival in a horror situation is your tenacity. If you want to live, fight for it. Sometimes, guys like Jigsaw will take advantage of that. But in the end, your state of dead or alive depends on yourself.

Sources:

“Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies”
“Guidebook To Surviving A Horror Movie”
“Things You Learn From Horror Movies”
“Things I’ve Learned From Watching Horror Movies”
.

Related posts:

  1. Five Things about Inception (2010)
  2. Five Things about The Water (2009)
  3. Five Things about Brokeback Mountain (2005)
  4. Five Things about Dear Frankie (2004)
  5. Five Things that I Love About Movies

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There are 9 comments for this post

  1. indobrad says:

    walah, baru juga sampe poin 3 gue udah mesti celingukan ke kiri dan kanan krn parno sendiri. xixixixixix

  2. Setiawan says:

    Wogh, lebih ngeri lagi pas nulisnya. Harus menelusuri satu demi satu judul film horror. Huhuu, gw kan cikeun. :-” *bangga gak jelas*

  3. nice post..
    well..this is a very important tips..
    the things that you wrote are definitely a common mistakes that people do in horror movie..
    by the way, i love horror movie so much…:)

  4. The Editor says:

    Wogh, sayah dikunjungi Pak Ketua. :D Wkwkwk, tips ini kebanyakan nggak berlaku dimari, soalnya setan lokal canggih-canggih. =)) Ada film yang direkomendasiin gak? Nanti sayah ripiu. :D

  5. montoq says:

    so.. whats the tips for local horror movie?
    Because the demon is near and the location is in my route to office..

  6. The Editor says:

    @Aris
    Useful tips:
    1. Don’t sell satay at night. If a woman approached you and said she wants to buy a hundred of ‘em, run for your life.
    2. Never ever do anything bad to a girl named “Susana”. If she ended up dead, you are history.
    3. Always make friends with Pak Haji and Ustadz. They came in handy when dealing with ghosts.

    Should I post a long one? =))

  7. rotyyu says:

    Bawa lima teman, bawa lima senjata, bawa lima ekor ikan gurami, maknyus… :D

  8. The Editor says:

    Bawa lima henpon ya, ntar lima guramenya gw makan deh… :-” *sisiran*

  9. [...] well known stereotypes in teen horror movies are easy to find. These stereotypes are closely linked to the movie’s [...]

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